It's the Fear
by Darth Luffy
Summary: Before heading down to Sanctum, Clarke takes a moment to visit Madi in cryo and reflect on a few things. Basically just a short one-shot for Mother's Day


**Author's Note: **So I wanted to write a little extra scene for 6x01 and it turned out that Mother's Day was coming up so I actually did so for a change. I know I could expand this a bit and make it better but I told myself I wasn't going to spend that long on it so this is what you get. Also being able to post it on Mother's Day is just nice. Enjoy.

**It's the Fear**

Looking down on the foreign world below Clarke couldn't help but be reminded of her time on the Ark, before ever setting foot on the ground. For nearly 18 years she had looked down on the Earth and wondered what life would be like if she ever made it down there, never suspecting that she actually would. Never able to imagine the horrors she would witness, or the atrocities she would commit.

'_It was worth it. Madi is worth it,'_ Clarke reminded herself, the thought of her daughter bringing a smile to her lips. There were a hundred things she'd change if she could but not if that meant losing Madi. Now though, there was a whole new world for them. A chance to do better as Monty had said.

"… take the radiation suits just in case?" She heard Bellamy ask from behind her, the man going over a list of things to bring with them on the expedition. A list she was supposed to be helping plan. "Clarke?"

"Uh, yeah. Sure." She said, turning away from the window to face him. Seeing the looks she was getting from Echo and Bellamy she forced herself to focus on the task at hand.

"When I was being interrogated, Shaw mentioned I had the same blood they used for Eligius-3. That means they were anticipating higher levels of radiation than Earth had." Clarke expounded, getting a nod from Bellamy.

"Ok, radiation suits are a yes then." He agreed, adding them to the list. Fortunately, the Eligius shuttle was large enough that weight wasn't an issue, they could take damn near anything they might need.

"Wouldn't that have been based on Earth radiation levels from before Praimfaya? We might be able to handle it even without Nightblood." Echo contributed, getting Clarke to raise an eyebrow in slight surprise.

It was strangely easy to forget just how long Echo had spent with Bellamy and the others on the ring, to forget how much she had learned and changed over that time. The idea of a grounder knowing about radiation levels or blood modifications still seemed like an impossibility to her.

"Let's hope so. Having to make everyone on this ship a Nightblood would be a challenge." Bellamy stated, missing Clarke wince as he did.

"I'm going to check on Madi," she said suddenly, dismissing herself and heading for the cryopods.

Bellamy started to stop her before being stopped by a look from Echo, "Smooth." She said, shaking her head at him.

"What did I d-" He started to protest before realization dawned on him. "Right, Clarke and Madi are the only Nightbloods. We'd have to use their bone marrow as a source." Sitting back down he let his head fall at that, he should've remembered that. He had been in the Mountain, seen first hand the process used to extract it. Even if they had a fully stocked medbay and could do it the same way they had with Luna there was no way Clarke would let Madi go through that. And they definitely did not have a stocked medbay.

Placing her hand over his Echo gave him a reassuring squeeze, "We don't know if we will actually need it. So don't go worrying over a problem that doesn't exist yet."

"You're right." He said, sitting back up and returning to his list. There were plenty of problems that did exist already. "So what do you think about bringing weapons with us?"

Letting her fingers play over the control screen for the cryopod Clarke considered waking Madi up. It had been her call to leave her asleep until they knew just what they were dealing with, a decision she knew Madi wouldn't be happy with. Now though she wanted nothing more than to wake the girl up, to be able to wrap her arms around her again. The name on the screen seemed to almost taunt her, the Madi Griffin it displayed reminding her that even after everything she'd done wrong the girl still loved her.

_One hundred and twenty-five years prior… _

"_This is so weird." Madi said finally, watching with fascination as frost formed inside the cryopod, putting the last of Wonkru to sleep. She had been adamant about not going into cryo herself until all her people had. _

"_It is, isn't it?" Clarke agreed, smiling at Madi. It was good to see that she was still able to be a kid a bit, even if it was only after all those she was now leading had been put to sleep. "Come now, time for you to get to bed too."_

"_Can't I stay awake with you?" Madi asked, even as she moved to sit on the bed of the cryopod. _

"_I'm not going to be awake that much longer. Just long enough to make sure that everyone else is under." Clarke replied. Even then she wouldn't be that last one going to sleep. Harper and Monty had volunteered for that role, although she had a feeling they planned to spend some well deserved time together before going into cryo._

"_Fine," Madi relented, leaning over to punch her name into the cryopod's screen as she had for many of her people. Seeing the now familiar twenty-character limit she paused, Madi kom Louwoda Klironkru was far too long to fit, even a shortened version, like with Indra Trikru, wouldn't fit. An easy solution came to mind, Madi smiling as she entered her name._

"_Madi…" Clarke said softly, reading the name on the cryopod's display. Madi Griffin. _

"_That's ok, right?" Madi asked hesitantly seeing Clarke's reaction. When Clarke didn't answer immediately she started to ramble, "Skaikru uses their mom's last name, right? So I thought it'd be ok…"_

"_Of course it's ok," Clarke reassured her, wrapping Madi up in a tight hug. Taking a second, she wiped away the tears that had formed, not wanting Madi to see. "If you want to use my family's name of course you can."_

"_I do. I'm your daughter after all." Madi said, trying not to squirm as Clarke held her tighter. _

"_That you are. And I'm so lucky to have you." Clarke said with a smile as she finally pulled away. She could hardly believe that after all she'd done Madi still considered herself her daughter. "Now come on, let's get you into bed. The sooner you sleep the sooner you can wake up and we can all go home."_

_Present Time…_

We can all go home. That wouldn't be happening now obviously. Instead Monty had given them a fresh start, a new world to make their home. "Just wait until you see it. It looks beautiful from above. And two suns. You'll love that." She said, talking to her sleeping daughter.

Leaning against the wall she tried to focus on the good. And there was a lot of good for a change. She had a hundred questions running through her mind about the new planet, from obvious ones such as what kind of plants or animals would be down there to what a sunset with two suns would look like.

A not small part of her was itching to draw as well, to recreate that moment on the bridge as the second sun had crested over the edge of the planet. As stupid as it was, she mourned the loss of all the drawings she had done over the last six years, and of the few Madi had attempted as well. A picture of the world from above would be a nice piece to restart with.

"Restart… How many times do we get to do that?" She wondered out loud, the words echoing softly through the empty room. By her count it was humanity's fourth chance, there couldn't be that many more. Unbidden Bellamy's words from earlier sprang to mind, "the mothership went to five planets that met the necessary conditions for life…"

'_Great, so after we kill this one, we still have four more options,'_ she thought sardonically, before shaking her head to clear herself of her thoughts. This was their chance to do better than before. Unbidden the voice in her head asked again, '_then why didn't you wake Madi?'_

When they'd asked if she wanted to wake Madi, Clarke had told them not to, that she wanted to wait until they were sure the world below was safe. That it was actually habitable. That was only part of the reason though, the real reason was that she feared that it was habitable, and that there was already a civilization there. She was well aware of how that could turn out, having been on both ends of it.

Hopefully they would be welcoming, willing to take in refugees from Earth. It wasn't like they didn't have things to offer, the mining ship loaded with the most efficient fuel mankind had ever found being a big one. Even then, if they refused to help them then it was possible to settle on the other side of the planet. As long as they weren't actively hostile then everything would work out fine.

'_But what if they are hostile?'_ That same voice asked, even though Clarke already knew the answer. That was why she wanted Madi to stay asleep. Because if once again she was forced to be the Commander of Death then she didn't want her daughter to see.

More than anything that was what she was afraid of. Not whether the planet was habitable, or finding food, or having to rebuild a society, but that she would be forced to embrace the worse part of herself again. The part that enabled her to murder without hesitation and wiped out an entire civilization with radiation. The part that she had always tried to keep hidden from Madi.

She prayed that they would be able to do better here, she truly did. She wanted nothing more than a return to the simple life she'd shared with Madi for six years. But that had only been possible once there was no one left to kill. And if forced, she'd do the same here, she'd wipe the slate clean and take those sins on herself so that Madi would be able to do better.


End file.
